GRIEF

I have felt the pain of losing a loved one. Losing my uncle, my mum's younger brother when I was 9 years old, losing a dear friend 8 years ago, and losing my aunt, my dad's younger sister, I thought I was accustomed to the pain of the death of a loved one. These are people I was close to and their death cut so deep. I thought there couldn't be any pain as much as I felt when I lost them. But alas, I was in for a rude awakening when I lost my dad. The death of my father gave me a deeper understanding of the gut-wrenching pain called grief. A pain so deep that you just want to end it all. But when I realised what such grief can do to a human, all I could think of was I wish I could do something so people don’t have to go through the pain of losing a loved one—especially parents who have lost their child, or spouses who have lost their significant other.

Grief is unfortunately a phase of life that everyone must go through. Ecclesiastics 3: 4 says there is a time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

We may grieve for different reasons, but grief grips us the most when we lose a loved one humans and pets alike.

Three years ago, on Wednesday 26 January 2022, I lost my dad, my dad and I were close, he is the first person I call when any significant thing happens in my life and then he tells my mum. I remember the first 10 minutes, I couldn’t cry, I was numb and then I let out this scream so loud and the tears started pouring.

REACTION:

When you lose someone so close, sometimes you can't see your future without them. Like there is nothing to live for, that was where I found myself. I thought there was no reason to live without my dad.

SUICIDAL: The pain of grief is strong. I used to think I was strong-hearted. I know I am emotional, but always thought nothing could phase me until I was faced with the pain of losing my dad and I knew I was not as unbothered as I would think. Because after I let out the scream, the next thing I knew, I just wanted the pain to end. Because it was as though my heart was ripped out of my body and there was a giant hole there that nothing could replace. And, I was like I can’t take the pain and I wanted the pain to end. I was making a pant and there was a scissor on the sewing table immediately this thought came to my mind, end the pain, take the scissors, and slit your wrist and it will be the end of the pain. Just as I was contemplating ending the pain, another thought, a voice of reasoning spoke to me, if you take your life, it wouldn’t only be your life you will take, but your mum. She wouldn’t be able to cope with losing her husband and daughter on the same day. And I quickly snapped out of that suicidal thought.

I thought that was the end of the suicidal thoughts, but the demons were not done messing with my mind at that time. On the Saturday, as I got back from helping a friend with her daughter's birthday, there was a cleaning liquid on the floor, and the thought came again, drink the liquid and end the pain. And again the voice of reason, came your dad would not want you to take your life because of him, rather he would want you to live your life to the fullest. And if you take your life, you lose the chance to see him in eternity, and as usual that snapped me back to reality.

But even though I had forgone the idea of taking my life, I still harboured the thought that anything could happen, and because life held no meaning to me at that moment, I was reckless with how I lived and had no care. Where I would be careful of danger, I couldn’t care less because I was looking for death by any means as long as I was not the one doing the taking of life.

They always said 3rd time is a charm, so the demons thought they could get me the 3rd time, this time around, it was at the beach. My friend Zara, took me to Narrabeen Beach for a walk after church to clear my head. As I was walking on the beach, once again a thought came to me, I can just walk into the ocean and let the wave take me away because I don’t know how to swim so that will be an easy death, me drowning, somehow in my head, I did not actively take my life, the ocean did. But God said not today satan, and he brought to my memory a passage I had read some months before in Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. And then the words of the song WALK ON WATER by ELEVATION RHYTHM came to my mind and I started dancing and walking out of the water while my friend recorded a video of me dancing. It was funny.

ANGER: Oh, I was angry at God. I remember a week after the death, During this period, I was really angry at God, I was like Job, questioning his existence, authority, sovereignty, and power.  I couldn’t even bring myself to pray or study the bible. I was scared of praying because I believed He wouldn’t answer my prayers. Why would I believe that He would hear me when for over two years we were praying for my dad's healing, and he was silent? I asked him why He saved my dad from a terrible accident 3 years before only to let him be in pain for 2 years before taking his life. 2 years later God revealed the reason why He allowed my dad to go through that pain.

THE PROCESS OF DEALING WITH GRIEF.

There is no strait-laced way of dealing with grief. When in grief just like with every other kind of pain, one thing we need is relief in any form or shape.

Friends: The truth is that news like this leaves people dumb founded and short of words. I was not ready for the condolences; I am an introvert and I like processing things on my own. I remember a friend Biola, kept asking me, she wants to come and help, I kept telling her not to worry. At that point, there was nothing anyone could do besides sympathizing with me and that was something I did not want. I already cry a lot and the last thing I want is people sympathising and making me cry more. As much as I am an introvert, I am extremely emotional, and I tear up easily. So, it was easier to process my pain in solitude until I was ready to face and accept physical wishes, but that does not mean I kept my friends in the dark. No, because when it happened I texted my friends who had been aware of the situation from the onset and who had been praying for us.

I sent a text to two of my friends in the UK, Phoebe and Mike, whom I knew would cheer me up because at that time all I wanted was to forget my pain, but unfortunately, they were still sleeping.

So, I sent a message to a friend Godsgift, who is also my spiritual mentor in Ghana who had been with me throughout the journey, but I refused to take his calls when he called because He was a pastor, and I was not ready for God knows the best and the prayers that will come with it.

When my friends from the UK called me the next day, it was a welcome distraction even if for a few hours, because they offered me temporary relief by making me laugh while giving me room to grieve. They made me laugh so much while the tears were pouring down my cheeks for hours.

Maintaining a semblance of Normalcy: The death of a loved one sure does rock your world and like we all know it is no fun. For me, it was important to maintain a sense of normalcy. I was very selective of when and how I told my friends of my father’s death and as much as I wanted to be home by myself and cry my heart out, I did not stop my activities and plans with my friends. On Thursday, my friends and I had planned to go to an outdoor cinema so, of course, I went along, I was the first one to arrive at the location so I put on my glasses and was crying my eyes out. When they came, I composed myself and because I had my glasses on, they couldn’t see my red eyes or realize I had been crying. When we got home, I told them all about the loss. They were as supportive as they could and as I would allow them to.

On the Saturday, as stated earlier, I had promised a friend I would help her decorate for her daughter's birthday, so I went along as though nothing had happened, helped decorate, and celebrated the birthday and once again, when I got home, I told her about the loss.

It was on the same Saturday I decided to pick Godsgift’s call after overcoming the second suicidal thought because I realized I needed help. The first thing he said when I picked up the call was, whatever happens, do not take your life because that is not what your dad will want and if you do, you won’t see him in eternity. I was shocked that he would say those words especially given that those are the exact words that brought me back from my suicidal thoughts. But I did not tell him that a few minutes ago before his call, I had contemplated taking my life. So, we spoke at length and prayed at the end of the call. Two years later, I asked him why said those words, and of course, he said he did not know, that he often just spoke words that God placed in his heart and I was like of course, it had to be God.

God: Through all my pain and grief, with me cursing God out and challenging Him, God was just faithful and present with me. And with all my temper tantrums, I knew I couldn’t live without God. I knew my life before Christ and I dreaded going back to that life. Now don’t get me wrong, I grew up in the most loving environment we were a closed-knit family full of love for each other, but I was empty until I met Christ. So, I didn’t want to go back there to an empty life. So even though I was angry at God, at that moment I had a hate-love relationship with Him, I was angry at Him, but I still I couldn’t imagine my life without Him, which led me to pray the only prayer I could muster every morning “Please Lord give me strength to go through today and please do not take your joy away from me.”

One day, 6 months later, I was just exhausted from the pain and crying that I was like God I am tired and all of a sudden I felt a presence in my room and I was engulfed in this warm embrace like I literally felt a physical arm around me and I felt such peace and a sense that I will be alright.

Get out of your head: While this might be hard when you are blinded by grief, it takes a concerted effort to see what is going on around you. It got to a point where God was like, it's time to pick yourself up and move on, I have pampered you for a long time, now girl get your butt off and move on. It was like God took off His gloves and was like it is time for tough love, like he did to Elijah, when he was wallowing in self-pity under the tree and asking for death and God was like, Elijah, get up and eat for the journey ahead of you is far.

When I decided to get out of my head, I realized one of my very good friends at work was taking the time off work a lot so I asked her what was happening and she told me her dad had been going for lots of check-ups. I kept asking her for an update and eventually, she told, me he was diagnosed with cancer. And a voice in my head was like girl you have to step up and be there for her. You have been through it, you know the pain, so be her strength. Though I couldn’t pray for myself, I could pray for her. It was as though I had faith for other people but not myself. But I couldn’t pray for healing because I thought God would not answer me, my prayer for her and her family was for God to give them strength to go through the process. But being able to be with her and go through the journey with her provided me an escape from my pain, but then I was in pain for her and I wished I could do anything to take away their pain.

Change of Perspective: During this season, God was encouraging me in subtle ways to start asking Him for things in prayers, through people and cards. But I wouldn’t ask big prayers, just small things. And then I stumbled upon Cece Winans conversation with TBN titled The Power of Praise where she talked about how her parents handled the death of their child, she said when he died, as they were gathered in the hospital bed her father raised his hands and worshipped God and thanked God for the years God gave them their child and how God carried them through the pain. That changed my perspective of how I viewed the death of my dad and at that same time God opened my eyes to how my dad loved me the way God loves me and showed me multiple examples of how my father modelled Him, I shared this in my previous post A Father’s love celebrating fathers day. And since then, even though I miss my dad and I cry, I don’t cry from a place of pain, but gratitude and this helped me deal with the loss of my father.

Also, I remember the Sunday before His death, a friend brought me home from church and I was telling her about my dad's condition and when we got home she prayed for me. The words she used were your dad is dealing with unforgiveness and when he lets go two things will happen either he gets well or God calls Him home. Though my dad couldn’t talk, he could hear, so in the morning I called my mum but put the phone on loudspeaker and I told him the words that she told me but most importantly that whatever he couldn’t forgive himself for, God has already forgiven him, but he has to forgive himself. And we prayed together. And on Wednesday he died.

I know he is in heaven because days later I dreamt of him happy where he was and 2 years later, my mum revealed the mistakes my dad made that he couldn’t forgive himself for, and God kept him through the pain of cancer until he could forgive himself before taking him home to rest from all his troubles on earth.

I am a miracle: One way God helped me survive that season of my life was by reminding me that I was a miracle. And the song I Am (Miracle) by Anthony Brown and Group became my go-to song, when I am sleeping the song is playing in my background, and when I am showering I am playing the song. Because I had to keep reminding myself that my existence is a miracle. I had to believe there is more to life than just living and dying. Because at that point, life held no meaning for me because I couldn’t imagine a life or living without my dad. He was literally my world, I would say he is the God I see on earth.

Family: My mom and siblings’ man, I don’t know what to say. The moments we jumped on calls together, reminiscing about my dad's life, laughing and crying together, were precious moments. They held me together. Knowing I still have them in my life, helped me pull through the pain of my grief.

For me, it took 2 years to with the pain of losing my dad, for some people it might be earlier or later, but it doesn’t matter. It matters that we take the time we need to find ourselves back and find the reason to keep living despite how hard it may be.

I hope this post blessed you in a small way.

Until next time, Ciao.

Lots of love,

Victoria.